Deactiving in an attempt to reactivate

This morning in week 5 of "The Artist's Way" I have decided to de-activate my facebook account in an attempt to reactivate (or unblock) my artist. The three main reasons that I am attempting this for this week are: I use it as a time waster, I use it to avoid confronting my feeling about things (last week when I would get upset about something I would binge read on FB to avoid feeling) and I use it to live in other people's lives so I don't have to live in my own.

Also, a side effect of not suppressing feeling sis that you feel them. And as I started to realize last week there is a lot that I have been avoiding dealing with for a long time. So, I imagine I may be a little out of control this week and it would suck for everyone to think I'm crazy. :)

I know that I can't solve myself and change my world in one week, but it will be a start.

Ramblings of a "woman"

Recently I have read many articles on men and gender politics. Charlie Sheen and Hugh Hefner are diddling with gorgeous, younger women- several of them at a time. The "womanizer" is a constant staple in mainstream entertainment. Countless movies portray women in relationships with men who really just don't give a damn about them. There are streams of websites to tell women about how the man they are seeing isn't really interested in them for anything more than a plaything. I can't count the amount of articles I have read where the writer advises women to pretend that they are not interested in more than just a fling so that the men don't feel any pressure. My guy friends are always running around with some new girl that they drop at the slightest sign that things may be getting real. I've asked guys I've dated for several months to have a conversation about where things are going and instead of talking they ignore me for a few weeks. It has all gotten out of hand.

All of these influences over the decades have made me feel that only one percent of men are actually interested in a real relationship (the Ted Mosbys if you will.) This, in turn, has lead me to always doubt the true intentions of men. I just assume that I am there: good for now girl. This makes me wonder if he is playing games, not really interested and all sorts of other negative things. And because I have a negative view of what men desire from relationship- I have become very afraid of putting my heart on the line and just allowing myself to trust. This lack of trust has become part of the way I view the world. This in turn has made me a bit of a crazy lady in my current relationship.

In other relationships and with the general public I have been very afraid to put my cards on the table, but here they are: I want love, marriage, and kids. I want to eventually own a home for my family (be it an apartment in the city or a house somewhere else.) I want a team to be on my side at all times. I want a clear answer to the question: emergency contact and I want to be that answer for other people.

This does not make me less strong as a woman! Sure, being alone can be great, but I want to be a part of something more.

Why does our culture promote the notion of being single as the "win" and being settled with a family as the "loss". Being alone does not make you more empowered- it just means that you are alone. I want it to be okay in our society to say that I don't want to be alone.

This is not particularly well articulated, but I wanted to get it off of my chest.

Out of control...

Lately I have not felt centered- at all. I feel like I am just being hurled through space and I have no control of anything in my life. Perhaps it is because I am going through a lot of change, but it always feels like I am going through a lot of change. Maybe the years of steady change are finally catching up with me?

Whatever the case, I don't like it. I like being centered and settled. I like feeling as though I know who I am. Maybe I just need a really good burger and everything will be restored to its natural order. Yeah, that's what I need...

A little wine

I'll admit it, I've had a little wine. But, I have also had one of the most amazing days in a long time. True friends are those who you don't see for a long time, but they still believe in and challenge you. I got to spend my day with two of those people. It's sad because it makes me miss others. But, realizing that I know one of the best groups of people in the world makes me feel better. In the book either "tipping point" or "blink" it talks about the connector...the person who isn't the most amazing person in the world, but seems to know all of them. I feel that that is me in some ways. All of the people I bother with are truly amazing! (BB wants me to add puppies and not just people to this statement.) But seriously, I know I sound like a strange, demented cheerleader at times, but the people I befriend are some of the most amazing talented people on the planet. I guess I am attracted to drive. Seriously though, I feel like I could write a memoir and it would sell lots of copies- not for what I've done, but for what you guys have and will.

24hrs in the 1990s

Since going back to school I have had a hard time really concentrating. I keep catching myself grabbing my phone to check a text or facebook or to simple scroll through old pictures. While I love modern technology and all that it can do for us, I have found myself increasingly dependent on it for all the wrong reasons. It feels that if I am not communicating with at least one person at all times I get lonely and self having tons of self-doubt. This is very strange to me because I am a person who actually feels better when she gets her alone time. But, something is not allowing me this alone time and it is myself- through modern technology. I used to relish my time alone to think and grow, but now I question myself and wonder why no one is reaching out to me at that given moment. It is a problem and I am going to work on fixing it.

I am a better person when I have time to be off, but it feels like I'm missing something if I allow myself this luxury. There was an old episode of "growing pains" where Krissy doesn't want to go to sleep because she's afraid she'll miss something. That's what my life has become, but what am I afraid of missing? That, I don't know. But, let's be serious- I don't know much. None of us do.

I guess in the end I just miss me. Isn't Valentine's day for spending time with the one who is most special to you? It's about time I start treating myself right. There is no way I would let someone I was in a relationship treat me this way. Nor would I treat someone else this way. So, I'm going to work on doing right by myself...at least for a day.

two weeks in...

So, I've been in school for two whole weeks now. I think that I am going to enjoy the work in my classes, but the classes themselves are a little stilted. One class I am taking is quite awkward as it is small, the instructor keeps asking simple questions of the class and everyone just stares at her. I'm 90% sure it's because no one wants to talk and not that no one knows the answer, but I'm pretty sure the instructor thinks the class is full of dummies. It is all very awkward.

When writing an "about me" statement for a class today I was reminiscing on my past and what I was passionate about. I have always loved writing theatrical pieces based on historical or factual research. Both parts of the journey give me a great thrill and it's something that I want to start doing again.

Over the past few years I feel that I have lost sight of myself and what I am passionate about. Always afraid to be me. It's weird because part of me thinks I am awesome, but another part is quite self-loathing. It's like an angel and a devil- one on each shoulder. I'm working on listening to the person in the middle.

Now I sound crazy. Haha, oh well.

Back to School

Today is my first day back to school in many years. The thing that strikes me most is the great possibility I will meet people that I will know for the rest of my life. Most of the people that have been important in my life were met on the first day of a job, on the "first day of school", or in a first play rehearsal. There have been other people that I have met in lots of other ways, but for the most part the important people in my life were found through these avenues.

Maybe I should get better at picking up people at bars, malls, bookstores, singles cruises etc.

Oh, wait! I already have loads of awesome people in my life and may be meeting some more tonight.

School Starts Monday

Registration has been completed, but it was a bit of an ordeal. One of the graduate advisors for some reason didn't think I was capable of taking four classes this semester. The way she spoke she made it seem as though it were an impossible task. But, I stood my ground and she let me register for 12 credit hours this semester. Later that night at orientation I met another student who had a similar experience.

It felt good to stand up for myself. For some reason I am often underestimated and just let the other party win. This is something that I am actively working on. It is hard for me to stand up for what I want and I think this has a lot to do with where I am in life. Often people who are far less capable than I am get ahead while I am left in the dust. The main thing that I can attribute this to is my lack of self-promotion. I sometimes lack the boldness and faith in myself that it takes to get ahead.

Seeing the problem is a lot easier than fixing it, but at least I have a victory on my record for this week.

Meeting

So, I have a meeting in an hour and a half with the graduate advisor for admissions at queens college. After making certain that I got all of my stuff in by the deadline- I have yet to hear anything from them. I've emailed the main admissions office to try and confirm that they received everything, but they have yet to write me back. Every time that I call there is simply a message telling me that they are too busy to answer the phone and to email instead.

I have no idea how this meeting will end up turning out, but it worries me to think about attending a school that is this complicated to get an answer to get a simple yes or no question to. It is about half the price of the other programs that I could be attending- so that is a good positive factor, but I am really getting concerned about what kind of a school it is.

Also, Pratt has specific courses for performing arts based libraries and they would allow me to take only 30 credit hours instead of 36 because I already have a masters.

Wish me luck.

Home

They say that home is where the heart is, but I'm starting to think that my heart is a gypsy so I must be a nomad. I'm pretty sure that I don't even know what I mean by this. All I know is that I am hopeful for the new apartment that I am going to move in to. It feels like I have always been looking for my place to belong in this world, but I have yet to find that place. I hope that I will find it soon. BB will be very sad to leave my parent's house. She and scout are best friends and she loves running around in the country. Poor girl. I hate that I am going to change her life, but I need to begin to live mine again.

Moving On

I always have trouble giving up on people or the idea that we could be a part of each others lives. Old friends drift by, romantic partners pass in the night, acquaintances never be come more than just that, but there isn't enough time and space in this world for everyone I want to be a part of it.

It's weird that I mourn for the relationships I've never had or that never worked. I feel like I am desperate for connection. But on the other hand, I feel myself constantly guarding my true self from even my closest friends because I am afraid that they too will drift away. It feels like I hide myself even from myself. Maybe I am odd that I act this way. Maybe it is perfectly normal.

But, sorry friends that I may not always allow myself to fully be with you. I'm very, very scared.

I kinda forgot that I had this...

2010 was a very rough year for me. I would list, but I find it depressing and overwhelming. Luckily, it is 2011. If all goes well, I'll be starting library school at the end of the month. I am nervous as I have not registered for anything or officially been accepted yet, but life is more fun when you are flying by the seat of your pants. (I don't actually believe this, but I am trying to convince myself.)

Let's see if I can get back into this writing thing again. Well, beyond my very long self-indulgent journaling I do.