Deactiving in an attempt to reactivate

This morning in week 5 of "The Artist's Way" I have decided to de-activate my facebook account in an attempt to reactivate (or unblock) my artist. The three main reasons that I am attempting this for this week are: I use it as a time waster, I use it to avoid confronting my feeling about things (last week when I would get upset about something I would binge read on FB to avoid feeling) and I use it to live in other people's lives so I don't have to live in my own.

Also, a side effect of not suppressing feeling sis that you feel them. And as I started to realize last week there is a lot that I have been avoiding dealing with for a long time. So, I imagine I may be a little out of control this week and it would suck for everyone to think I'm crazy. :)

I know that I can't solve myself and change my world in one week, but it will be a start.

Ramblings of a "woman"

Recently I have read many articles on men and gender politics. Charlie Sheen and Hugh Hefner are diddling with gorgeous, younger women- several of them at a time. The "womanizer" is a constant staple in mainstream entertainment. Countless movies portray women in relationships with men who really just don't give a damn about them. There are streams of websites to tell women about how the man they are seeing isn't really interested in them for anything more than a plaything. I can't count the amount of articles I have read where the writer advises women to pretend that they are not interested in more than just a fling so that the men don't feel any pressure. My guy friends are always running around with some new girl that they drop at the slightest sign that things may be getting real. I've asked guys I've dated for several months to have a conversation about where things are going and instead of talking they ignore me for a few weeks. It has all gotten out of hand.

All of these influences over the decades have made me feel that only one percent of men are actually interested in a real relationship (the Ted Mosbys if you will.) This, in turn, has lead me to always doubt the true intentions of men. I just assume that I am there: good for now girl. This makes me wonder if he is playing games, not really interested and all sorts of other negative things. And because I have a negative view of what men desire from relationship- I have become very afraid of putting my heart on the line and just allowing myself to trust. This lack of trust has become part of the way I view the world. This in turn has made me a bit of a crazy lady in my current relationship.

In other relationships and with the general public I have been very afraid to put my cards on the table, but here they are: I want love, marriage, and kids. I want to eventually own a home for my family (be it an apartment in the city or a house somewhere else.) I want a team to be on my side at all times. I want a clear answer to the question: emergency contact and I want to be that answer for other people.

This does not make me less strong as a woman! Sure, being alone can be great, but I want to be a part of something more.

Why does our culture promote the notion of being single as the "win" and being settled with a family as the "loss". Being alone does not make you more empowered- it just means that you are alone. I want it to be okay in our society to say that I don't want to be alone.

This is not particularly well articulated, but I wanted to get it off of my chest.

Out of control...

Lately I have not felt centered- at all. I feel like I am just being hurled through space and I have no control of anything in my life. Perhaps it is because I am going through a lot of change, but it always feels like I am going through a lot of change. Maybe the years of steady change are finally catching up with me?

Whatever the case, I don't like it. I like being centered and settled. I like feeling as though I know who I am. Maybe I just need a really good burger and everything will be restored to its natural order. Yeah, that's what I need...

A little wine

I'll admit it, I've had a little wine. But, I have also had one of the most amazing days in a long time. True friends are those who you don't see for a long time, but they still believe in and challenge you. I got to spend my day with two of those people. It's sad because it makes me miss others. But, realizing that I know one of the best groups of people in the world makes me feel better. In the book either "tipping point" or "blink" it talks about the connector...the person who isn't the most amazing person in the world, but seems to know all of them. I feel that that is me in some ways. All of the people I bother with are truly amazing! (BB wants me to add puppies and not just people to this statement.) But seriously, I know I sound like a strange, demented cheerleader at times, but the people I befriend are some of the most amazing talented people on the planet. I guess I am attracted to drive. Seriously though, I feel like I could write a memoir and it would sell lots of copies- not for what I've done, but for what you guys have and will.

24hrs in the 1990s

Since going back to school I have had a hard time really concentrating. I keep catching myself grabbing my phone to check a text or facebook or to simple scroll through old pictures. While I love modern technology and all that it can do for us, I have found myself increasingly dependent on it for all the wrong reasons. It feels that if I am not communicating with at least one person at all times I get lonely and self having tons of self-doubt. This is very strange to me because I am a person who actually feels better when she gets her alone time. But, something is not allowing me this alone time and it is myself- through modern technology. I used to relish my time alone to think and grow, but now I question myself and wonder why no one is reaching out to me at that given moment. It is a problem and I am going to work on fixing it.

I am a better person when I have time to be off, but it feels like I'm missing something if I allow myself this luxury. There was an old episode of "growing pains" where Krissy doesn't want to go to sleep because she's afraid she'll miss something. That's what my life has become, but what am I afraid of missing? That, I don't know. But, let's be serious- I don't know much. None of us do.

I guess in the end I just miss me. Isn't Valentine's day for spending time with the one who is most special to you? It's about time I start treating myself right. There is no way I would let someone I was in a relationship treat me this way. Nor would I treat someone else this way. So, I'm going to work on doing right by myself...at least for a day.

two weeks in...

So, I've been in school for two whole weeks now. I think that I am going to enjoy the work in my classes, but the classes themselves are a little stilted. One class I am taking is quite awkward as it is small, the instructor keeps asking simple questions of the class and everyone just stares at her. I'm 90% sure it's because no one wants to talk and not that no one knows the answer, but I'm pretty sure the instructor thinks the class is full of dummies. It is all very awkward.

When writing an "about me" statement for a class today I was reminiscing on my past and what I was passionate about. I have always loved writing theatrical pieces based on historical or factual research. Both parts of the journey give me a great thrill and it's something that I want to start doing again.

Over the past few years I feel that I have lost sight of myself and what I am passionate about. Always afraid to be me. It's weird because part of me thinks I am awesome, but another part is quite self-loathing. It's like an angel and a devil- one on each shoulder. I'm working on listening to the person in the middle.

Now I sound crazy. Haha, oh well.

Back to School

Today is my first day back to school in many years. The thing that strikes me most is the great possibility I will meet people that I will know for the rest of my life. Most of the people that have been important in my life were met on the first day of a job, on the "first day of school", or in a first play rehearsal. There have been other people that I have met in lots of other ways, but for the most part the important people in my life were found through these avenues.

Maybe I should get better at picking up people at bars, malls, bookstores, singles cruises etc.

Oh, wait! I already have loads of awesome people in my life and may be meeting some more tonight.

School Starts Monday

Registration has been completed, but it was a bit of an ordeal. One of the graduate advisors for some reason didn't think I was capable of taking four classes this semester. The way she spoke she made it seem as though it were an impossible task. But, I stood my ground and she let me register for 12 credit hours this semester. Later that night at orientation I met another student who had a similar experience.

It felt good to stand up for myself. For some reason I am often underestimated and just let the other party win. This is something that I am actively working on. It is hard for me to stand up for what I want and I think this has a lot to do with where I am in life. Often people who are far less capable than I am get ahead while I am left in the dust. The main thing that I can attribute this to is my lack of self-promotion. I sometimes lack the boldness and faith in myself that it takes to get ahead.

Seeing the problem is a lot easier than fixing it, but at least I have a victory on my record for this week.

Meeting

So, I have a meeting in an hour and a half with the graduate advisor for admissions at queens college. After making certain that I got all of my stuff in by the deadline- I have yet to hear anything from them. I've emailed the main admissions office to try and confirm that they received everything, but they have yet to write me back. Every time that I call there is simply a message telling me that they are too busy to answer the phone and to email instead.

I have no idea how this meeting will end up turning out, but it worries me to think about attending a school that is this complicated to get an answer to get a simple yes or no question to. It is about half the price of the other programs that I could be attending- so that is a good positive factor, but I am really getting concerned about what kind of a school it is.

Also, Pratt has specific courses for performing arts based libraries and they would allow me to take only 30 credit hours instead of 36 because I already have a masters.

Wish me luck.

Home

They say that home is where the heart is, but I'm starting to think that my heart is a gypsy so I must be a nomad. I'm pretty sure that I don't even know what I mean by this. All I know is that I am hopeful for the new apartment that I am going to move in to. It feels like I have always been looking for my place to belong in this world, but I have yet to find that place. I hope that I will find it soon. BB will be very sad to leave my parent's house. She and scout are best friends and she loves running around in the country. Poor girl. I hate that I am going to change her life, but I need to begin to live mine again.

Moving On

I always have trouble giving up on people or the idea that we could be a part of each others lives. Old friends drift by, romantic partners pass in the night, acquaintances never be come more than just that, but there isn't enough time and space in this world for everyone I want to be a part of it.

It's weird that I mourn for the relationships I've never had or that never worked. I feel like I am desperate for connection. But on the other hand, I feel myself constantly guarding my true self from even my closest friends because I am afraid that they too will drift away. It feels like I hide myself even from myself. Maybe I am odd that I act this way. Maybe it is perfectly normal.

But, sorry friends that I may not always allow myself to fully be with you. I'm very, very scared.

I kinda forgot that I had this...

2010 was a very rough year for me. I would list, but I find it depressing and overwhelming. Luckily, it is 2011. If all goes well, I'll be starting library school at the end of the month. I am nervous as I have not registered for anything or officially been accepted yet, but life is more fun when you are flying by the seat of your pants. (I don't actually believe this, but I am trying to convince myself.)

Let's see if I can get back into this writing thing again. Well, beyond my very long self-indulgent journaling I do.

Can't Sleep

So, these last few weeks I have been doing nothing but sleeping- due to my wisdom teeth deciding that they hate me. My face is puffy and sore, my belly is hungry for solid food, but my heart is hopeful.

I think just taking time alone this last week has given me confidence and motivation to achieve the goals that have long been in the back of my mind. Tonight I began creating my game plan and organization to put my wants into action.

It takes a lot to turn the corner from pessimistic to optimistic and it's been something that I have been working on for about six months. Over this last weekend I feel that I did turn that corner. Sometimes, I guess I just need to take a time out from the world to make the shift.

Who knows, it's late, but I sure hope this new me lasts a while. I'd like to see what she can do.

Growing

So, today my improv team lost the inferno at the magnet and I didn't get a callback for a Harold team at UCB. Should be bummed, right? But, I actually feel more confident instead. Strange- I know, but it is true.

I am more confident that I love improv, more confident that I love performing with TidbiT, and more confident with myself as a person. It may take a few days to process why I am having this reaction, but I think it may be due to the fact that I am growing as a person- and as an improvisior. I know that I am signifigantly better than I was a year ago and am confident that I will be signifigantly better next year. (With writing I feel the opposit - feel like with each passing year I have more and more trouble forming a sentence on paper.)

Who knows, who I will meet (or more importantly who will get to meet me) this next year- how our paths will cross or innertwine or where my road will lead. In the past I was alway so concerned with getting places I didn't enjoy the journey. I hope this part of me is being sloffed off so the part of me able to live in the present is able to enjoy this life of mine that has so many wonderful things in it.

Why is life in this day and age a competitive sport?

Punched in the face

So...thanks to Brad who punched me in the face over skype today.

It's funny how people are always trying to "find themselves" as I don't think anyone can ever be found. I would never want to. If I knew who I was then what would be the point of continuing to live? It would be stationary, decided, and let's face it- boring. Constantly learning, growing and see where the day will take me is what makes life worth living. Also, if I already knew how I would react in a given circumstance why would I want to bother with living the real situation.

Part of me is scared due to the past, afraid that things will turn out the same way. Perhaps they will. Perhaps they won't. I won't know until I live the new situation. I don't want to close doors.

If I was so steadfast in my opinions of the world that I was not open to new ideas I would indeed be close minded. I don't want to close my mind.

If I took it for granted that tomorrow's sun rise will look the same as those I've seen in the past I may miss a spectacular sight. I don't want to close my eyes.

My heart has been broken many times in the past, but I will still let people in. I don't want to close my heart.

When I wake up in the morning and don't feel that I have a grasp of who I am (as I tend to do most mornings) I will celebrate. Not knowing myself may just mean that I am allowing myself to wake up and look upon the world with an open soul.

Or perhaps it just means I need a whole lot of therapy... well, that's a story for another day.

City Slacker

The people I know are all pretty much crazy: med school, law school, grad programs on top on their full time jobs, military, full time job while following artistic dreams and one of my faves: single mother of three, full time job and school. The list could go on and on about how my friends and family are spending their time- and I mean ALL their time. Then there is me. You guys make me feel like a slacker.

Sometimes it is hard to get motivated to make my life better when I feel that I will not achieve any goals that I go after. It becomes very hard to keep trying if I don't feel that things will ever pay off. I used to try and try, but a few years ago I think I just got too tired and too pessimistic.

Well, I am here to say that pessimistic Katie is going on a trip and optimistic Katie is back. (Let's see how long it lasts.) I do have things to contribute to the world and I am sick of sitting on my butt. So, if you see me slacking - punch me in the face.

Thanks!

Expectations

As I get older I find that expectations really control so much of the way that we view the world.  A good movie may leave a bad taste in our mouths if we had been told for weeks that it was going to be "the greatest experience of our lives" and we only found it to be "enjoyable".  What could have been a great day may seem barely manageable if we were expecting a horrible experience.  A coke may taste absolutely amazing if we thought we were taking a sip of sam's cola.  

I think it would be amazing to be able to go through an entire day with no pre-conceived notion of how things were going to affect us.  Of course, this is against our nature as human beings.  It protects us from all sorts of dangerous elements in our world- burning our hand on the stove, drinking a bucket of used mop water, and even attempting to stick our tongues to frozen lamp posts.  

We learn what to expect of things as we grow.  It helps us to handle the world in so many different ways.  It clouds the way that we see the world.  It helps us to communicate with people.   It hurts our ability to communicate with others.  While open minds are what we often strive for we seem to be designed against having them.

It gets interesting when starting new adventures in life...  I know that I am often very afraid that things will not work out because other things have not worked out in the past.  I get worried, pass judgement too soon, and even fail to let myself live in the new moment that is being presented to me.  

I don't know what tv theme song to end this though with so I will leave you with several:

you take the good, you take the bad,

you take it all and then you have

the facts of life

don't you wanna go- where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came?

a three hour tour...

what would you do, if I sang out of tune?

Valentine's Day

So- here it is another Valentine's Day. I know that many of you will think that I am just being pessimistic when I find this to be the day of disappointment, but in the history of me it has been...

I am actually sadly relieved that I am home alone this evening.

It all started when I was in elementary school and I would open up my shoe box covered in construction paper hearts to find nothing save the obligatory folded cartoon card with my name in one box and the name of the person required to give one to me in the other. Maybe I was a naive child, but I always thought that there was a possibility that someone would take that chance to say something especially nice to me. Funny because I was of course far too shy to say anything nice to another kid, but hey that's the boy's job, right? Move on through high school where again I would get my hopes up for some grand gesture and nothing would ever come.

Another fun Valentine's day that I had was my sophomore year of college where I had been with my boyfriend for about six months and I was completely head over heals for him. So, I went out and bought him a nice present and he got me a card. It turned out that he had actually wanted to break up with me at that point- so I guess I was lucky to get the card.

As I grew up Valentine's day continued in much of the same fashion. Me always hoping for some grand gesture- or at least a nice meal out and getting forgotten plans or forgotten all together.

It took me until I was 28 to have someone really make an effort for me on Valentine's Day. It was sweet and thoughtful, but at some point when driving around I got an upset stomach from him smoking in the car. When I asked that he try not smoking while driving for a bit I was taken home immediately. He later came to pick me up for dinner, but barely talked to me the whole time. The next year he was out of town when the holiday came around.

So- here I am still waiting for some grand gesture that will probably never come. What is stupid is that it makes me sad. And if a grand gesture did come I would find it cliche and not really see it for the gesture it is in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of Valentine's day! I just think it is one of those things that is destined to disappoint. No matter how many times this day comes to pass I still find myself the little girl looking through the shoe box finding nothing of any real value.

So...trying this blogging thing.

About six months ago I started a blog. I don't remember the name or what it was about now, but hey- that's how things go sometimes. So- here I am with attempt number two. Perhaps it will last as long, perhaps longer. Who knows?

In this world where everyone gets to have their say on the vast world wide web I thought I would take my own stab. Actually the last statement is not true. Many people don't have computers, many people live in countries where their thoughts and actions are watched and controlled by the government, many people have actual lives and are out on a Saturday night and not home alone with their computers. I could be out right now. I should be out right now. I would be out right now. But, I am not.

It has been said that all thoughts and ideas have already been thought, but that is not true. No two people see the world the same way. My ex boyfriend used to harp on the idea of the beautiful and unique snowflake. He would often tell me how I was not one and that I should give up on the idea that I could be. He is wrong. I believe that everyone is unique- not necessarily beautiful, but unique none the less.

I'm hungry...

Quirky: From Urbandictionary.com

2.	quirky	185 up, 59 down
	buy quirky mugs, tshirts and magnets Unconventional, surprising, odd. A word often used by narcissistic scenesters when they describe their oh-so-unique selves in their Livejournal user info pages in attempts to sound like interesting people. It is a word best used by one person to describe another. Those who apply "quirky" to themselves thereby call into question their very own "quirkiness" by seeming gleefully self-aware (just like everyone else).