Can't Sleep

So, these last few weeks I have been doing nothing but sleeping- due to my wisdom teeth deciding that they hate me. My face is puffy and sore, my belly is hungry for solid food, but my heart is hopeful.

I think just taking time alone this last week has given me confidence and motivation to achieve the goals that have long been in the back of my mind. Tonight I began creating my game plan and organization to put my wants into action.

It takes a lot to turn the corner from pessimistic to optimistic and it's been something that I have been working on for about six months. Over this last weekend I feel that I did turn that corner. Sometimes, I guess I just need to take a time out from the world to make the shift.

Who knows, it's late, but I sure hope this new me lasts a while. I'd like to see what she can do.

Growing

So, today my improv team lost the inferno at the magnet and I didn't get a callback for a Harold team at UCB. Should be bummed, right? But, I actually feel more confident instead. Strange- I know, but it is true.

I am more confident that I love improv, more confident that I love performing with TidbiT, and more confident with myself as a person. It may take a few days to process why I am having this reaction, but I think it may be due to the fact that I am growing as a person- and as an improvisior. I know that I am signifigantly better than I was a year ago and am confident that I will be signifigantly better next year. (With writing I feel the opposit - feel like with each passing year I have more and more trouble forming a sentence on paper.)

Who knows, who I will meet (or more importantly who will get to meet me) this next year- how our paths will cross or innertwine or where my road will lead. In the past I was alway so concerned with getting places I didn't enjoy the journey. I hope this part of me is being sloffed off so the part of me able to live in the present is able to enjoy this life of mine that has so many wonderful things in it.

Why is life in this day and age a competitive sport?

Punched in the face

So...thanks to Brad who punched me in the face over skype today.

It's funny how people are always trying to "find themselves" as I don't think anyone can ever be found. I would never want to. If I knew who I was then what would be the point of continuing to live? It would be stationary, decided, and let's face it- boring. Constantly learning, growing and see where the day will take me is what makes life worth living. Also, if I already knew how I would react in a given circumstance why would I want to bother with living the real situation.

Part of me is scared due to the past, afraid that things will turn out the same way. Perhaps they will. Perhaps they won't. I won't know until I live the new situation. I don't want to close doors.

If I was so steadfast in my opinions of the world that I was not open to new ideas I would indeed be close minded. I don't want to close my mind.

If I took it for granted that tomorrow's sun rise will look the same as those I've seen in the past I may miss a spectacular sight. I don't want to close my eyes.

My heart has been broken many times in the past, but I will still let people in. I don't want to close my heart.

When I wake up in the morning and don't feel that I have a grasp of who I am (as I tend to do most mornings) I will celebrate. Not knowing myself may just mean that I am allowing myself to wake up and look upon the world with an open soul.

Or perhaps it just means I need a whole lot of therapy... well, that's a story for another day.

City Slacker

The people I know are all pretty much crazy: med school, law school, grad programs on top on their full time jobs, military, full time job while following artistic dreams and one of my faves: single mother of three, full time job and school. The list could go on and on about how my friends and family are spending their time- and I mean ALL their time. Then there is me. You guys make me feel like a slacker.

Sometimes it is hard to get motivated to make my life better when I feel that I will not achieve any goals that I go after. It becomes very hard to keep trying if I don't feel that things will ever pay off. I used to try and try, but a few years ago I think I just got too tired and too pessimistic.

Well, I am here to say that pessimistic Katie is going on a trip and optimistic Katie is back. (Let's see how long it lasts.) I do have things to contribute to the world and I am sick of sitting on my butt. So, if you see me slacking - punch me in the face.

Thanks!

Expectations

As I get older I find that expectations really control so much of the way that we view the world.  A good movie may leave a bad taste in our mouths if we had been told for weeks that it was going to be "the greatest experience of our lives" and we only found it to be "enjoyable".  What could have been a great day may seem barely manageable if we were expecting a horrible experience.  A coke may taste absolutely amazing if we thought we were taking a sip of sam's cola.  

I think it would be amazing to be able to go through an entire day with no pre-conceived notion of how things were going to affect us.  Of course, this is against our nature as human beings.  It protects us from all sorts of dangerous elements in our world- burning our hand on the stove, drinking a bucket of used mop water, and even attempting to stick our tongues to frozen lamp posts.  

We learn what to expect of things as we grow.  It helps us to handle the world in so many different ways.  It clouds the way that we see the world.  It helps us to communicate with people.   It hurts our ability to communicate with others.  While open minds are what we often strive for we seem to be designed against having them.

It gets interesting when starting new adventures in life...  I know that I am often very afraid that things will not work out because other things have not worked out in the past.  I get worried, pass judgement too soon, and even fail to let myself live in the new moment that is being presented to me.  

I don't know what tv theme song to end this though with so I will leave you with several:

you take the good, you take the bad,

you take it all and then you have

the facts of life

don't you wanna go- where everybody knows your name

and they're always glad you came?

a three hour tour...

what would you do, if I sang out of tune?

Valentine's Day

So- here it is another Valentine's Day. I know that many of you will think that I am just being pessimistic when I find this to be the day of disappointment, but in the history of me it has been...

I am actually sadly relieved that I am home alone this evening.

It all started when I was in elementary school and I would open up my shoe box covered in construction paper hearts to find nothing save the obligatory folded cartoon card with my name in one box and the name of the person required to give one to me in the other. Maybe I was a naive child, but I always thought that there was a possibility that someone would take that chance to say something especially nice to me. Funny because I was of course far too shy to say anything nice to another kid, but hey that's the boy's job, right? Move on through high school where again I would get my hopes up for some grand gesture and nothing would ever come.

Another fun Valentine's day that I had was my sophomore year of college where I had been with my boyfriend for about six months and I was completely head over heals for him. So, I went out and bought him a nice present and he got me a card. It turned out that he had actually wanted to break up with me at that point- so I guess I was lucky to get the card.

As I grew up Valentine's day continued in much of the same fashion. Me always hoping for some grand gesture- or at least a nice meal out and getting forgotten plans or forgotten all together.

It took me until I was 28 to have someone really make an effort for me on Valentine's Day. It was sweet and thoughtful, but at some point when driving around I got an upset stomach from him smoking in the car. When I asked that he try not smoking while driving for a bit I was taken home immediately. He later came to pick me up for dinner, but barely talked to me the whole time. The next year he was out of town when the holiday came around.

So- here I am still waiting for some grand gesture that will probably never come. What is stupid is that it makes me sad. And if a grand gesture did come I would find it cliche and not really see it for the gesture it is in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of Valentine's day! I just think it is one of those things that is destined to disappoint. No matter how many times this day comes to pass I still find myself the little girl looking through the shoe box finding nothing of any real value.

So...trying this blogging thing.

About six months ago I started a blog. I don't remember the name or what it was about now, but hey- that's how things go sometimes. So- here I am with attempt number two. Perhaps it will last as long, perhaps longer. Who knows?

In this world where everyone gets to have their say on the vast world wide web I thought I would take my own stab. Actually the last statement is not true. Many people don't have computers, many people live in countries where their thoughts and actions are watched and controlled by the government, many people have actual lives and are out on a Saturday night and not home alone with their computers. I could be out right now. I should be out right now. I would be out right now. But, I am not.

It has been said that all thoughts and ideas have already been thought, but that is not true. No two people see the world the same way. My ex boyfriend used to harp on the idea of the beautiful and unique snowflake. He would often tell me how I was not one and that I should give up on the idea that I could be. He is wrong. I believe that everyone is unique- not necessarily beautiful, but unique none the less.

I'm hungry...

Quirky: From Urbandictionary.com

2.	quirky	185 up, 59 down
	buy quirky mugs, tshirts and magnets Unconventional, surprising, odd. A word often used by narcissistic scenesters when they describe their oh-so-unique selves in their Livejournal user info pages in attempts to sound like interesting people. It is a word best used by one person to describe another. Those who apply "quirky" to themselves thereby call into question their very own "quirkiness" by seeming gleefully self-aware (just like everyone else).