Back to School

Today is my first day back to school in many years. The thing that strikes me most is the great possibility I will meet people that I will know for the rest of my life. Most of the people that have been important in my life were met on the first day of a job, on the "first day of school", or in a first play rehearsal. There have been other people that I have met in lots of other ways, but for the most part the important people in my life were found through these avenues.

Maybe I should get better at picking up people at bars, malls, bookstores, singles cruises etc.

Oh, wait! I already have loads of awesome people in my life and may be meeting some more tonight.

School Starts Monday

Registration has been completed, but it was a bit of an ordeal. One of the graduate advisors for some reason didn't think I was capable of taking four classes this semester. The way she spoke she made it seem as though it were an impossible task. But, I stood my ground and she let me register for 12 credit hours this semester. Later that night at orientation I met another student who had a similar experience.

It felt good to stand up for myself. For some reason I am often underestimated and just let the other party win. This is something that I am actively working on. It is hard for me to stand up for what I want and I think this has a lot to do with where I am in life. Often people who are far less capable than I am get ahead while I am left in the dust. The main thing that I can attribute this to is my lack of self-promotion. I sometimes lack the boldness and faith in myself that it takes to get ahead.

Seeing the problem is a lot easier than fixing it, but at least I have a victory on my record for this week.

Meeting

So, I have a meeting in an hour and a half with the graduate advisor for admissions at queens college. After making certain that I got all of my stuff in by the deadline- I have yet to hear anything from them. I've emailed the main admissions office to try and confirm that they received everything, but they have yet to write me back. Every time that I call there is simply a message telling me that they are too busy to answer the phone and to email instead.

I have no idea how this meeting will end up turning out, but it worries me to think about attending a school that is this complicated to get an answer to get a simple yes or no question to. It is about half the price of the other programs that I could be attending- so that is a good positive factor, but I am really getting concerned about what kind of a school it is.

Also, Pratt has specific courses for performing arts based libraries and they would allow me to take only 30 credit hours instead of 36 because I already have a masters.

Wish me luck.

Home

They say that home is where the heart is, but I'm starting to think that my heart is a gypsy so I must be a nomad. I'm pretty sure that I don't even know what I mean by this. All I know is that I am hopeful for the new apartment that I am going to move in to. It feels like I have always been looking for my place to belong in this world, but I have yet to find that place. I hope that I will find it soon. BB will be very sad to leave my parent's house. She and scout are best friends and she loves running around in the country. Poor girl. I hate that I am going to change her life, but I need to begin to live mine again.

Moving On

I always have trouble giving up on people or the idea that we could be a part of each others lives. Old friends drift by, romantic partners pass in the night, acquaintances never be come more than just that, but there isn't enough time and space in this world for everyone I want to be a part of it.

It's weird that I mourn for the relationships I've never had or that never worked. I feel like I am desperate for connection. But on the other hand, I feel myself constantly guarding my true self from even my closest friends because I am afraid that they too will drift away. It feels like I hide myself even from myself. Maybe I am odd that I act this way. Maybe it is perfectly normal.

But, sorry friends that I may not always allow myself to fully be with you. I'm very, very scared.

I kinda forgot that I had this...

2010 was a very rough year for me. I would list, but I find it depressing and overwhelming. Luckily, it is 2011. If all goes well, I'll be starting library school at the end of the month. I am nervous as I have not registered for anything or officially been accepted yet, but life is more fun when you are flying by the seat of your pants. (I don't actually believe this, but I am trying to convince myself.)

Let's see if I can get back into this writing thing again. Well, beyond my very long self-indulgent journaling I do.